Woah, remember when I used to blog? That was fun while it lasted. Well I suppose it's like they say, we're here for a good time, not a long time and my writing persona agrees. After my hiatus, I am back (but I won't promise the writing is here to stay, I gotta be honest with myself). I'll start off by saying that the reason I am writing to you today is because I am here to share my anxiety story. Why write about it here? Because this blog is a story telling outlet and although I haven't published many posts, this blog is about me and what I have to say. I felt an urge today to write and I guess I'm riding with it.
Most of you probably already know I deal with this, but for those that don't know me that well (by the way, thanks for reading my post!), you are about to find out. I have been dealing with anxiety since I was 6 years old. I can actually pinpoint the exact moment I felt this type of anxiety for the first time and never was the same after. I won't share the details of that event here, but if you're curious you can always ask me. It's actually a bit of a silly story when I think about it as an adult but it really affected me as a child. I dealt with anxiety off and on throughout my childhood and adolescence. I had a particularly difficult time when my house burned down in high school and the trauma of that event. I also had a very difficult time leaving home for college and learning to be on my own, fighting my ongoing battles with anxiety without my family close to me.
21 years later, I still struggle but the difference now is I know my strength and what I am capable of. If you have ever dealt with anxiety or depression, you know how absolutely crippling it can be. There are fears and doubts you create about yourself, about your capability to survive that can put you in the deepest ruts that you fear you can never get out of. Sometimes I fear I will ruin my perfectly good life because I will succumb to those fears and let them control me. And sometimes, the more I try to fight it, the deeper the hole I dig for myself gets. I know those feelings so well. Some days, I don't feel strong. Today for example, I decided I could not be at work because I did not have the energy or strengh to put on a face like everything was ok. And it's ok to feel this way sometimes, to let the feelings pass through.
I decided to take a trip to the beach today. Not the best beach day because it was very cold and wet but despite the gloom and the fog, I can somehow see myself and this life with more clarity. I can feel the joy in God's creations and His love for us. The lush green mountains, the sound of the crashing waves, the sand being picked up by the violent wind and creating waves of their own, the tremendous beauty of it all. I will say that the one thing that has pulled me through these feelings again and again has been my Catholic faith and the mercy of God. I review the lives of the saints and realize that they struggled with similar thoughts and feelings just like me but were able to fulfill their purpose, to serve God the way He wanted them to. I desire to do the same, to give myself and my love to others and to serve God in this way. When I think of how big love is, it makes my fears seem small. I once heard, fear paralyzes you but love, it moves you, and I don't know a truer statement. This is the ultimate answer to all our problems, I think. When we learn to love selflessly and be all we can be for those around us, we become the most strong and resilient.
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| My cold and rainy beach trip (Pismo Beach) |
I do feel incredibly blessed in my life right now. I have wonderful support systems everywhere I go. I have been given the most wonderful opportunities including the chance to grow and lead in my job, the opportunity to buy my first home on my own and renovate it, I even have, for the first time, the opportunity to have a normal relationship with another person (those of you who know me know that I was in a long distance relationship for 4 years and he finally was able to find a job in the same town as me-yay!)
So to end, thank you to those who help me through my hard times, no matter how small the gesture is, and you all know who you are. Don't ever hesitate to help someone in need, to compliment that stranger that looks like they're having a bad day, even offering a smile can make the world of a difference to someone. And don't be afraid to express what it is you're dealing with, because mental health issues should really be talked about more. If you offer to talk about your feelings, you could motivate others to do the same and we all can start healing from our wounds. Love fully and without inhibitions. And enter into battle to conquer your fears, because they may not go down easily, but I guarantee you, friends, you are stronger than they ever can be.
Much love and God's grace to you all.
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| Sorry for the blurry picture but I actually thought it was really appropriate. I may seem distracted, blurred, or not all there sometimes. But deep down, I carry joy and a smile wherever I go, I just have to know where to find it. |
